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Our Sebastian goodbye my baby

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I want you to know. I had to use your money. It broke my heart, I had no choice. I am bipolar, I have been on a roller coaster. This roller coaster has included; hospitalization, over-medication, anxiety for me and Rowdy, Trey and Sebastian. Our cat Fred just disappears when the going gets rough. My job because of policy had to stop giving me a check for about a month. Because of this I have used Rowdy’s money to purchase medication for him and the other animals. Two days ago we decided to put Sebastian down. He was a beautiful bi colored eyed Siberian husky and Malamute mix. We had no choice. I could not pick him up and hold him up to poop any more and he cried incessantly. I feel horrible that we took so long to do this. With our drama we could not imagine losing him as well. This was an injustice to an animal that gave us his all on a daily basis. Our vet is incredible, she allowed us to keep him in the back of the car with two of the kids my brother and Joe and I holding him as he entered his next existence. It was as hard and as beautiful as you could imagine.

Since this has always been Rowdy’s blog. I would like to share his experience as witnessed by me. Rowdy has been over anxious for months, he is my familiar. Not just my pet. He sleeps in my bed and has to touch me at least two to three times a day to calm himself. I am the same. One of the things that the hospital denied me was my puppy, it was incredibly hard. Rowdy did not go outside all day once Sebastian started the crying. We have a puppy that belongs to the neighbor and we did not want the dogs to see us bury Sebastian. He was their daddy. As much as it hurt us I knew it would throw them into a mourning we could not fix. I decided to bring in the neighbors puppy that always roams our property because this would bring Trey peace. He plays with this puppy every day. When the puppy came in Rowdy attacked him. I put Rowdy in the bedroom to keep him away from the puppy. The psychology worked on Trey it kept him busy until he calmed down and stopped trying to break through the window to see what was going on. When I put the puppy outside Rowdy was angry. Very angry he ran to his babies and started chewing and huffing. I decided to pick him up to calm him. It had the opposite effect he fought me and would not stay in my lap. He is very smart. He is from the streets. I brought in a new puppy and his daddy was gone. I get it. So instead of trying to hold him. I put my body over his in a crouch. He pulled away and ran from me. A few minutes later I did the same thing again. This went on for about 30 minutes until he allowed me to be his alpha. About an hour later he allowed me to pick him up. Yesterday he was sad and stayed in mine or my brothers lap all day. Today is better. Tomorrow will be better still.

Losing Sebastian during our crisis has been hard on us. We just have to remember, even though animals may not communicate like we do that does not mean they do not hurt. We will be ok. It will take time and patience. Our next dog will be another rescue. Something big and furry, because those are the ones that people get and don’t bother to realize they live in town and dogs over 100 pounds do not do well in the city. I do not know when this will happen. Someday when my animals let me know they have mourned and are ready I will start the hunt for our new family member.

Until then you have about 300 left from the 900 we originally put in safe keeping. We still need to fix Rowdy. The link still works, if you want a reimbursement I will be happy to send it to you. This is not what you signed up for. This is not what I signed up for either, just what my life has given me. If you want to send me some money to help on this ridiculous journey the link on the other page still works. I just ask you to love your animals, they do not live as long as us.

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Apocalyptic Bikini Home

 I posted before where do you consider home. I went home last night and it was beyond healing. I have decided to share a little about my home.

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These photos are of my tribe. I fell in love with a musical written by Galt MacDermot when I was in my teens. I never understood why I could watch the film over and over. Memorize each facial tick and song to perfection. Now I do. Mr MacDermot got it. We are a tribe. See family is the word we use when you are not paying attention but it gets confusing to most. Family indicates some sort of blood or proximity and we do not always have that. So I will borrow Mr Mac’s terminology as I muse over my tribe.

Another of my favorite musicals is Rent. I learned the meaning of the term Bohemia there. After many viewings I saddly realized this no longer existed. I loved the idea but had to come to terms with the reality.

Then last night as I quietly healed on the couch in the dressing room filled with my children I realized that is a term that works….so here are some musings on my Bohemian tribe.

 

First was the realization mom is a little broken. They had been following my Face book statis and new something was up. That and the fact they had not seen me at blah blah and I missed the new show at bleh. So as they entered the tiny beauiful warehouse that had been transformed by the magic of lights and art they were a little scaired. I told jojo on the way home it was like getting a kitten to trust you. When you have a kitten they are so open to the world everything is fun and beautiful. Then they get a smack or someone stepps on their tail then they become suspicious and a little frightened. This is a good thing or kittens would not exist. They are responsible for their own welfare almost from birth.

 

Oh and when referring to my biolligical childen from this point on we will use the term B>C otherwise you will be very confused. I have a few camps of kids but ultimately they all are or become tribal.

 

When I first arrived at the warehouse I took my essencial items. Ice Pack, pillow for my knee and writing pad. We all have priorities right? I saw my first baby hanging lights, exausted from working too hard and making too little. I could tell he was nervous but he immediately came to me hugged kissed and asked the dreaded question are you OK? I really though about making a general announcement to everyone but decided individually would be best and the lot had not shown up so I gave the obligitory answer “No, but I will be”

 

It is hard to have standards. I promised myself I would be honest on this journey. I also told God it was ok to do what he needed to to do me but to spare my kids. What I did not know was how effected they all would be. This one was effected. I sat myself up with the help of my jojo. Who had to leave because he is doing his least favored author and they open next Thursday. Once we were alone D decided he would meet me where I needed to be and continued hanging the lights, I struggled to upright and helped him focus. Once we were done we sat down and he looked at me with tired, beautiful eyes and said ‘what the fuck”. So I tried to delecately tell him what was happening to my body and put it in a understandable context. He was so tired he just continued to kiss and hug me. He did not have the stregnth to be emotional, just to listen. Man I love this kid. Then my princess arrived.

 

This is not a normal Disney princess. This is a strong amazon warrior princess who will change the world. Without your support it seems, that makes me sad but does not deter her in the least. Exhaustion was on her plate as well. She put on the mask immediately when she saw me…the how are you was answered with “better than you my love”. This gave her permission to do what she came to do. They then proceeded to unload the vehicles and set up the space. As I watdhed her struggle to make simple choices I asked if she had eaten. That is a prolem with my tribe, we are too busy, distracted, focused to eat sometimes. Only when our bodies refuse our request do we finally sucumbe and stop long enough to shove a taco down.

As I watched her I had a realization, this is not about me. Now that statement is normally said with a pinch of pitty pot..but please understand that is not what I mean. This physical intolerance I am dealing with is about them. A christmas carol sprang to mind. I am the ghost of Christmas future I am sent to my tribe to remind them that we are temporary. They have to eat and sleep or they will fall down. As I have now.

I did find a candy in my purse that I made her eat. Then slowly they started to arrive. The genuis, the singer, the sister, the archivest and the warriors and princess of my tribe. My God they are stunning. Beautiful and brave and funny. I noticed that they were avoiding me obviously avoiding me….Ah mortality does not have a place in our world. So I learned this trick.

 

Just let them come to me. Then allow them to feel, see that even though I am broken I am still me. So I did.

 

My favorites are too many to mention but I will share these two. The first is a warrior he is so brilliant in all he touches and pretty too. He always rushes across a room when he sees me. We have a string that connects our hearts so even in a crowd we find each other. He hugged the far was as he approached the space, cleaverly avoided my eyes. Went about introducing the newest member to others. Then he slowly made his way to me ziggging and zagging as not to be noticed. When he finally arrived he looked at me with tears trying to well. I asked him to not make me “punch him in the throat” we laughed and he was ok.

 

Second was the 3,0 she is sassy and beautiful and lets everyone know she will not tolerate your bullshit or your ignorance in such a way that they walk away pleased with the encounter. They also do not know why but they tell everyone how remarkable she is…think Bette Midler in her youth with a mixture of Kera Knightly, Cher, and everly other fucking beautiful female with morals, values and a magnet that will not allow you to not acknowledge her. When she entered the dressing room she looked on the couch then quickly looked away. Slowly made her way over to change….oh we are all cool with our bodies not in that touch me way just dude hand me my bra way. We engaged on how at my last dr visit I started undressing and embarassed my Doc…then explained to him how we dont think like most. Laughing she changed then realized she was shooting me a beaver which made us laugh harder. She then tentatively started to hug me….I grabbed her hard and said I will tell you when it hurts. After that she was almost in my lap and had permission to do her job.

 

God I love my tribe they feed me….and they change the corner of our world…enjoy the photos…they cannot begin to describe the night. And find your tribe…kittens, warriors, jugglers, geeks, visual art that makes you cry that is mine…..what is yours….

 

In the interem if you would like a peek into my magical world google austin art and theater then ignore the first few postings and look for words like inovative, charged, new ,warehouse and space.

 

Last thought…we do not do our art in basements because we choose to we just have to get it out and cannot afford food rent and venue.

 

Hey little shits post your url’s in the comments so folks can find you.

 

Love mom