I have had a lot of overlap here. Which judging from the comments is ok. Lots of you have asked for all the information to be in one place. I will do this with by blue hair daughter who is smart and funny and better on the computer. For this moment we will be patient.
Rowdy feels me and is incredibly smart. He has my anxiety. It is beautiful and sad. Similar to the option to mark my post as “awesome”. If I do mark it am I being pretentious or confident….that is for another day.
Here is a link that has more information on what I am writing today:
I said to my blue hair warrior yesterday being smart is hard. I think that goes for all species. As I slipped into the darker recesses of my mind he became more and more agitated. He started by taking out all his toys. Rowdy then moved to becoming very selfish. I thought at the time it was funny, but he was so serious I have to examine it a little. He was losing me so the clinging to those toys makes sense. Children in foster care often become manic over the loss of a beloved toy. It is the perception of losing everything else so the only power they have is the toy. He then moved to chewing on himself. The vet could find no reason for this action. I find similarity in teens who cut or refuse to eat. My feeling in this moment is he was losing me/control over his world. Chewing reminded him life was ok, he was alive and could feel. I think the act of chewing allowed him to slowly let me go. In his little brain he made connections we big people have done for centuries.
Since I have returned home from the place where sharp objects are not allowed. The place I put myself when the darkness was too much to bear and people who love me heard my cry. I have seen a change. He was so excited when I first got home he almost peed himself. I had to just sit in the kitchen floor and hold him for several minutes for him to calm down. He insist on lying in the bed or couch when my brain lets me rest. He is finally ok with me leaving the house and the babys as well as his belly have gotten a reprieve.
Being smart is hard, being dumb is harder. I will take this journey with my broken dog because the horizon looks amazing and we both need a peaceful, happy home filled with trust.